Brief Interludes into the Abyss

08:55 pm - For you Trevor

You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis. </td> Postmodernist 100% Cultural Creative 81% Idealist 81% Existentialist 63% Modernist 44% Materialist 44% Romanticist 44% Fundamentalist 38% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

Current Mood: mellow

03:48 pm - Driving... again

Currently I am driving in the Car with Penny, Amanda and Clare on the way to the Shushwap for our Sorority Retreat. Its rather strange to be back with my Sorority sisters and doing something so far removed from my lifestyle in Dawson. I am trying to refrain myself from cursing too much and thus far have been particularly successful. Thank God. It would be messy to have to apologise for my construction worker mouth.

I saw Blair this morning. It was wonderful to see him again, even though its only been three weeks or so since I saw him last. There's a sense of calm that he has always brought me and I have a feeling that this calm will see me through the transition back to the vancouver lifestyle.

The drive down with Tim was great. We chatted and debated and it was really amazing to see how some of Tim's perspectives have shifted and changed, and how somethings never really do change. I missed him terribly over the summer, and I thinkm I should have made a stronger effort to spend time with him. I have talked to Blair and I believe that he and I are going to drive up to Dawson on the Thanksgiving Long weekend. I want to spend some more time with my cousins and see my mom. However, it might be better to Fly, so I don't know whether Blair will want to come. After doing the drive this time, I think my time could be better spent visiting and only travelling for a total of 5 hours instead of 28.

It feels good to be talking with the girls in the car. Francis (one of my sisters) did a great job pairing up the people in this car. We all get along well, and I feel somfortable with everyone enough not to worry about what is said in this vehicle. It is especially good to see Clare after missing her the whole summer. I forgot just how much I enjoyed spending time with her and being caught up in the way she is exuberent in eerything she does. Ginny, you'd like her.

To all those in Dawson, I miss you already. Its like having the floor being pulled out from underneath you. Its hard to find your feet again when you don't have the same faces to help you get up. But I am confident in my levitating abilities.

Current Mood: tired

12:37 am - Thinking...

The Adjustment is Hard. And I feel this overwhelming need to be creative. Or take control some how. Its the adjustment. I can't be in relationships. But I feel like one is what I want, but at the same time not. How does that work? I miss my ex. Which one you ask... well there's the kicker.

I want to paint. I want to write. I want to create something, build something, do something, become something. Change. Exist and be happy with that maybe?

I want someone to talk me down. Someone to say, calm yourself. All will be ok.

I was in the groove before. Where did the groove go? When did the groove becomea rut?

I need something? Something from within myself that is screaming to come out. To be set free.

Im going crazy again...

Current Mood: melancholy

09:51 pm - Procrastinating

So I can't seem to concentrate on doing any of my papers. It has been so long since I have had to write one without company. It seems unnatural.

"At what point do we decide to stop living up there, and start living down here"

Mmmmmn...

It is too quiet here. I have watched all of my Six Feet Under episodes. I probably shouldn't have watched as many. I think they may have been what has been getting me down lately. Just a wee bit home sick. And watching north american drama about death doesn't really help the situation.

I wish I had something profound to say.

Mnnnnn.... Tim, some of those Six Feet Under episodes were so hard to watch. Especially the last four. I miss you.

Current Mood: morose

05:19 pm - I am sooooo Sorry

To anyone who actually checks into my LiveJournal, I am so sorry that I haven't written anything in what would seem a month of Sundays. 

Here is a quick update of my life:

I went out last night.  Was the first night I actually did something social that didn't involve anyone I hadn't previously known here.  I had a good time and way particularly tired when I got home.  A drunk guy from the States picked me out of the crowd and started talking to me until he friends came to pick him up off the floor.  Random and amusing.

My mom is coming on the 18th of June.  I am very excited.  We are going to go to Canberra and the like.  I don't know all the exact details but it is going to be great.

I am addicted to West Wing.

My diskman died.  I need to find my receipt.  Not going to be easy to do being that I am out of the country.  Sigh.

I am enjoying the great weather.  It is sunny and the rain, when it does rain, is warm... mmnnnnn, warm rain.

I am somewhat home sick.  I am not really homesick for Vancouver, per se, but for the ppl that I used to spoend sooo much time with.  I is hard realising that I don't have the same friends to fall back on here to go to the movies with, or go to the theatre with, or just to go for coffee.  I miss you all terribly.  Please, send me an email and let me know what is new in the world.

I have limited email access and it is the most frustrating thing in the world.  I have limited download and dial up time.  I end up running out of download space before dial up time... I want to scream.  Was going to get ADSL but apparently  it doesn't work for Mac's here (for god knows what reason, I think they are just plain lazy) and thus, my aunt deosn't want to sign up for something she has to sign a one year contract for (yes, ADSL is contracted here... I hate AUssie telecommunications) and then not be able to use it once I leave.  I can understand her position, even if it means I don't get broadband.

For all those ppl that keep asking me about AUssie hunks... they don't exist and if they do, they are either taken or gay, so don't ask ;).  No really... maybe I just can't see them.  But I don't think they are out there.  Better off to stay in Canada ;)  Then again, the weather IS better here.

Um... not much else is new.  I am living the lifestyle of a mid 50's year old.  I get up at 6 in the morning and work and then go to school and then come home and read.  There isn't much else to my routine at this point.  I wish I were more glamourous than this but I am only capable of sooo much.

If you all want to email me, reach me at my UQ account.  It unlike anything else here is free and doesn't cost me download time.

s4062762@student.uq.edu.au

I love and miss you all and can't wait to hear from you.

AOE to my sisters, love to my friends

Jewels

Current Mood: mischievous

10:51 pm - Kiss Qiz

Just a quick one to anyone who still checks into my journal.... I did a quiz a while back about what kind of kissing style I was, but I don't remember who did it. Anywho, i was a Good-bye kiss.... if this sounds familiar, would you send me the link.

Cheers,

Jewels

02:51 am

You are the vampire that controls the soul. You are
dark and lonely, you long for love and
friendship. You hide yourself in the shadows
afraid that people may hate you, and you are
afraid to be hurt. If you don't take a chance
and show your true colours, reveal to people
the real you, then you will always be alone,
only you can help yourself.Please rate this
quiz!!!


What Element Would You Rule Over If You Were A Vampire?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: cheerful

02:46 am - My Vampire Type

Well well well, the old fashioned 17th century
vampire, one of my faves. You look for the good
things in life, you posses a lot of classical
class, and follow that of the original
vampires, you have no shame in what you are,
infact you embrace it, you love it and wouldn't
have it any other way. Your wealth is
unspeakable and your way of luring people with
your mystical ways and looks is amazing, and
most people would often call you The
Seductress. Please rate this quiz!


What Kind Of Vampire Would You Be? (Cool answers, AND FOR GILRS UNLESS YOU ARE A CROSSDRESSER)!
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: awake

02:28 am - Update

Sorry everyone that I have not been online in quite a while.  I have to really measure my time online and thus, I write and then cut and paste when I dial in. 

One of my sisters, Micha, came to visit for a couple of days on her way to Fraser Island and the Whitsundays.  We went up to UQ and participated in all the welcome back BBQ and clubs days activities.  There were bouncy castles and slushy machines and tons of free food!!! Woo hooo….

I went to my first day of orientations on Monday.  I met some really cool ppl mostly from the US.  I also met a girl from McGill and a guy from Bhutan.  I spent the better part of my afternoon after I skipped out on the orientation presentations with a girl name Becky from West Virginia.  She is studying Sociology and is a real character.  I enjoy her company quite a bit and hopefully we will get together several more time before the end of the semester.

I have finished one of the required readings for my Struggle Revolution and Literature course, The Jungle by Upton Sinclair.  It is a “great” book with quite an insightful perspective of life at the turn of the century in Chicago for poor immigrants, but it is a hard read insomuch that is depressing and never ending in its tales of poverty and woe.  I have progressed onto Germinal which proves to be an easier read but the writing compels you to like the characters and you just know that they will have something horrible happen to them at the end.  It is all a bit much sometimes.

I am still looking for a job and am not doing to well.  I have sent my resume all over the place and nothing has panned out.  I will keep up the long fight but I really wouldn’t mind having some money to do things.  But I am finding things to keep me entertained that are of the low to no budget variety.

University is coming up rather quickly and I will start on Monday.  I am rather excited even though it is my literature course and not one of my poli sci.  I have a feeling though that my lit course will end up being my easier course given the layout of my poli sci.  I have three poli sci courses:  Ethnic Conflict and Nationalism, International Security Issues, and Asia Pacific Security Issues.  Heavy stuff.

I hope all of you have tried the Mythical Creature Quiz.

Current Mood: chipper

03:18 pm - My Mythical Form...

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: mischievous

10:14 pm - Day Two at the Beach

Feb 8^th

Music selection today is the Beach compilation – The Fire Inside by Bob Seeger and the Silver Bullet Band

I woke up to a domestic being carried on next door and as I write this another domestic has incurred.  It is 10 pm. 

Today was a lazy one.  I didn’t really sleep in all that long but missed the shopping trek, which was fine, and read my book.  There isn’t much really to do here except read, watch the tennis or cricket, go for our late afternoon walks and swims, then dinner and television.  It is all very relaxing for those whose lives are filled with work and little time to oneself.  For myself, I can’t seem to get into it.  I always want to be doing something.  Leslie says she will give me the grand tour of Tugun tomorrow.  There is a little town behind the seclusion of this beach house and I have never seen it.  I have limited myself to the Dreamery and perhaps this is part of my boredom.  Leslie also hinted at golf.  I haven’t golfed proper since living in Dawson Creek, only the occasional Pitch and Putt.  It should be fun, or frustrating, one of the two, but I don’t mind.  It will be an adventure none the less.

(The Domestic has turned into dinnerware being thrown or tossed about)

Talked with Edward tonight.  We have some much baggage to sort through.  I miss him and at the same time I have gotten used to not having him as part of my life.  Except at Christmas time, an anomaly I still haven’t figured out.  I don’t regret our late night phone conversations, but I wonder why I needed to talk with him so much when I was home and happy.  It will be good to sort out the other night when he gave me Mallow back.  Sort out the other night and the last year.  We joked about the fact that we had been married, recognised by a Justice of the Peace and everything.  Well, not married but Common Law.  Same sort of thing.  But really, the things we laugh about now are not the things that should be laughed at.  I am starting to think that we laugh at the things most painful because we are trying not to cry, maintaining our strength for each other and not belying our inner hurts and demons.  Who knows if this is healthy or natural, or should be confronted and dealt with.  I have never experienced this before.  I don’t know what to do. 

I still love him.  And in the time we spent together before I left for the beach, I realised why I was hurt by him so often, the little things that used to annoy me, and also the reasons why I started loving him in the first place.  I have the crazy premonition of a crash landing in the making.  Will we be able to survive this?  Will I ever return to Australia after this?  Will I be able to let go?  Will we still be able to talk to each other while I am here?

Edward and Leslie have both asked me the same question:  why am I here?  In Vancouver, I thought it was because I needed a change of venue.  I needed to be in a place that I love and was loved and missed.  When I left, it wasn’t about Edward.  Now that I am here, I don’t think I can avoid Edward if I tried.  I don’t feel the same as I thought I would here.  I am beginning to listen to my own advice, if a little late.  It isn’t the venue that matters, it is the attitude.  I just need to change my attitude.  It will be a process, I don’t know whether it will be a long process or a perpetual one, but I know that I need to conquer my fears about living and get on with my life. 

Current Mood: contemplative

10:18 pm - Day Four at the Beach

Just finished up watching three episodes of Dark Angel. I love the series but this last episode took on a campy sort of Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer feel and although I laughed, I didn’t think it was consistent with the rest of the series. Oh well.

Got burnt surfing today. Every time I rub my nose I get that crunchy feeling of burnt skin. I have a “rosy” complexion.

I am going back into the city tomorrow. I need to get to UQ and see if there is someone to sign my work permit application. I don’t know who to talk to but I will work it out. I will probably have to go to the international student’s office and see what they have to offer. I need to start working. Something to keep me entertained before I go back to school. My aunt tells me to enjoy my vacation before I truly get into the swing of things, but this not having money is starting to bother me and I don’t like the idea that I might not be able to afford my books. My screw up with my loan is coming to kick me in the ass. And the thing that shits me the most is that I discussed it with my aunt and she told me not to worry about it and that we would worry about my text books when I got here… Now she is telling me that I might have to tough out the lack of cash by reading my text books in the library. I guess that is what I deserve for thinking that things would be taken care of for me. Nothing in the world is guaranteed and I need to be able to take care of myself at all costs. None of this relying on others shit. Oh well. Chalk another one up to experience.

But the Beach is lovely and I will definately go back sometime next week I think, for a couple of days. I do hate the book I am reading tho and I think it is the reason for this particularly depressing entry.... I apologise :)

Current Mood: amused

04:05 pm - First Day at the Beach

Feb 7th

I am currently watching the votes come in for the Queensland State election.  It is a Labour win at this stage in the game but the preference votes still haven’t come in to determine how much the Labour party shall win by.  It is funny to watch the confrontation of the politicians went discussing who is winning and why.  It is a particularly passionate topic.

Edward gave Mallow back to me yesterday.  It felt awful.  I am happy to have my childhood teddy bear back, but it really feels like the end of me and Edward’s relationship.  I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing.  I have relied on Edward in the last couple of months to help me work through my thoughts and feeling and now, I am frightened about where I stand.  How do we interact now that there really are no more ties to each other?  I do still have his ring, but there is something more real about Mallow.  Edward took him everywhere, slept with him and kept him company.  I feel like I have taken something away from Edward.  It is like we are breaking up all over again.  I don’t like the feeling; I don’t want to hurt him again.  But at the same time, after last night, I don’t want to talk to him again because of how much last night hurt me. 

I chatted with my aunt about happiness.  She reckons and I have to agree with her that I bury my perspective too much within myself.  I am self involved and that the crux of happiness is to come out of that self involvement and be more involved with the lives of others.  She challenged me to find a way to come out of this self involvement and through the process of our conversation, I think that she found the way to do it.  I go through life acting out roles.  I act with my family, I act with my friends, and I act with my partners.  I become the person who I need to be to interact with in this environment.  To remove myself from self involvement, I need to take on a role that is more altruistic than self serving.  Altruism is the key.  I should have listened to you, Trevor, but altruism always seemed too dangerous a path to tread.  Instead I have gone the other way and have lost my balance.

 

I might have found the key to my balance.

 

 

Current Mood: contemplative

Current Music: John Mayer

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12:25 am - Balmy and sticky

Listening to Consume Me by DC Talk

I am currently sitting on the deck of my Auntie’s apartment and watching the CityCats travel up and down the river.  The temperature has gone down some what and it is at the Cicada time of the day.  Cicadas at dusk give off this low level hum that is a kin to something industrial… they make a terrible amount of low level noise.  No one who has lived here for long really notices it anymore, but really if you are tired and have a headache, cicada humming will drive you insane…

Today I was sold into slave labour to my cousin and I cleaned her house while she babysat he son Spencer and his friend Tommy.  It wasn’t all that bad and I didn’t really mind doing it.  Tomorrow I am going over again and we are going to sift through the junk under the stairs and see if it is worth having a garage sale.  More opportunity to get sticky in the humidity.  But it will be good to spend time with Sheila.

Tonight is a celebratory dinner of sorts.  My uncle has come home from Mt. Isa and we are having a steak dinner.  Mmmmmn, steak.  I really should get dressed.  I am currently wearing nothing more than my bath robe and it is hardly appropriate for dinner.

My aunt read this article in Harper’s magazine and it “has changed her life”.  Harper’s magazine is somewhat liberal magazine that challenges the notions of the status quo.  This particular article outlined the amount of fuel consumed to create food in the US.  To grow 1 calorie of food cost 10 calories of oil that is imported from the Middle East.  This is because of the cost of making fertilizer and processing inedible grains, etc. into consumable food.  Crazy.  But what this inevitably boils down to is that my somewhat socialist aunt wants to grow a market garden…  It is a great idea but at the same time, I can’t see my aunt getting out into the garden every day and making her household sustainable on what is grown there.  It will be an interesting social experiment if nothing else.  Still, my aunt and the article do have a point.  At this stage of the game, as a modern/western civilization, we should be able to create and grow food stuffs that are not costing more to produce than they output in a measure of calories.

Now listening to Harem by Sarah Brightman

Current Mood: indifferent

11:57 am - G'day

Well I made it... not very exiting yet... still think that I might be in shock... it doesn't really seem real... except for the fact that I am too hot for words... and it is the tail end of summer.  The flight wasn't bad... If you ever get a chance to go to Hawaii, do it... it is worth it just to see the retro circa 1970's airport... the lounge I waited in during refueling had shag carpet on the walls in primary colours... it was too tacky.  I inwardly giggled about it the whole time I was waiting.

I went for coffee with Edward yesterday.  It was a little weird.  Nothing I can't handle but still odd.  I couldn't look him in the eyes for at least a hour.  I can't really imagine why.  Had some good vietnamese food...

Thinking of going to the beach for the next week or two... the only draw back to that is no internet and no communication with friends that live here... don't know... maybe I will go for a couple of days and then come back...  wouldn't mind getting back into the body surf... mmmmmnnn, ocean....

Oh, Starbucks here is highway robbery...  $5 for a grande chai.... dear god!  and they don't even have venti cups... how uncivilized (j/k)  will have to start drinking Gloria Jean's again... mmmnnn... now they have good coffee...

Love to all my sisters,

love to all my friends,

sorry I didn't call last night...

Cheers,

Jewels

Current Mood: drained

02:24 am - For You...

The only dream worth having, I told her, is to dream that you will live while you're alive and die only when you're dead. (Prescience? Perhaps.)

"Which means exactly what?" (Arched eyebrows, a little annoyed.)

I tried to explain, but didn't do a very good job of it. Sometimes I need to write to think. So I wrote it down for her on a paper napkin. This is what I wrote:

To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.

01:10 am - Packing Hell

So I am listening to some sort of acid jazz on my roommate’s computer… it isn’t too bad… Talking to Michael online…

Today I packed.  It was what I did almost all day.  Imagine putting your life in 6 boxes and three suitcases… it really is some what unsettling.

I hate having two small suitcases… last time I went I had way more room.  I find myself going thru my packed bags and thinking “Do I really need this?”  If not, then it gets tossed on the hope that I can somehow squish my rollerblades in there… somehow…

I don’t think it is going to happen and I am not very happy about it.

The upside to today is that I spent it with Ian.

Tim is coming on Friday!

Luc is coming on Wednesday!

I can’t wait to see everyone.

I need to get back to packing though.

Current Mood: exhausted

03:42 am - Why the Hell'd we end up like this

Super lonely right now… not really sure why.  I wish someone was online to talk to, although I don’t know what I would say.

Tim, you need to call my cell phone…

I am pretty sure I passed my Theory final today.  Please, everyone, keep your fingers crossed for me.  I hope that all goes well and that I get over 70%. 

Went to see Nickelback tonight.  The concert was great… went for a crowd surf and was dropped right before the fence… this equates to me being almost front row centre.  Was pretty cool other than the rather unattractive man standing behind me and rubbing his cock on my ass….  I was and still am thoroughly disturbed. 

I am getting excited about leaving… I can wait to get out of here… I just associate Vancouver with too much stress.  I am worried though, that the problems that I am having n school won’t correct themselves with a change of venue.  I am still reasonably uninspired about the classes I am taking at UBC and I really hate the faculty I am in.  It isn’t so much that I hate the classes.  The classes are engaging and fun with some of the best professors I have had.  It is my peers that I hate.  They are the types of people that I don’t want to surround myself with.  Don’t get me wrong, I have found the occasional person that is amazing and intense and becomes one of my better friends.  There is just an abundance of obnoxious political science majors that would do anything to pave the road for themselves. 

I realize that this is the trend with everything in life.  There isn’t one person who hasn’t told me that I need to adapt and get used to the fact that the tired old cliché of the world is full of assholes is actually more fact than any one of us want to admit.  I just wish that for once, I could do something that didn’t involve surrounding me with people that make my stomach turn.  I want to find something creative.  I don’t want my family to always question the path I take, weighing my potential outcome productivity.

I want to try my hand at photography.  I want to see if I would be any good at it.  I want to find time for theatre.  I want better time management skills.  I want to get my act in gear enough so that I actually contact the DFAIT and inquire as to intern possibilities overseas. 

I am looking for myself under all of this crap and I keep coming up empty. 

I really could use a hug.

Current Mood: gloomy

03:26 am - Not Inspired

Mmmmmn,

Need to listen to music…. Let me find some.

Listening to Alanis… not too sure if this is the mood I am in… at least not Jagged Little Pill.  Too angry and reminds me too much of being 17 and angst ridden.  Sorry Alanis.  I recognize the talent, but really I cannot reconcile the silly 17 year old in me that screams and disturbs my twenty-something calm demeanor.  All those who know me are not allowed to laugh at that last comment.  I am calm. 

I listen to Alanis and I laugh at the obviousness of her lyrics.  I think that is why the young women listen to her.  Her ideas are fresh to 17-somethings.  What I wouldn’t give to find a soul mate, someone else to catch this drift.  What I would give, to meet a kindred.  And yet really, I believe that there are those out there that forget to easily that all that any one really wants is some comfort, some justice, some patience, and a way to find some common ground.

I am looking at my diversification into the technological world and cannot make my palm pilot start up a conversation with my laptop.  Sigh.  You would think that the two would have something in common, but the palm pilot is very convincing in admonishing me about the fact that the link between itself and the laptop was inadequately set up.  As if I was to blame for the failure of their blind date.

You know how us catholic girls can be…. No no…. on that sunny day, didn’t know I’d meet such a beautiful girl walking down the street… there… that’s better… 

Wrapped up all of Edward’s stuff today.  Hopefully I didn’t miss anything… His mother is quiet irate that I didn’t contact her earlier to arrange the transfer.  What irks me is that she believes that the world surrounds around her.  She is too much of an actress.  Maybe, she is 50ish version of myself.  That scares me.

I miss my theatre days.  While in Dawson Creek, I returned to high school.  I do it occasionally to remember what a rollercoaster the whole experience was for me.  Intermingled with the joy I achieved through my theatre exploits were the shadows of a broken heart, an abusive relationship, depression, and stress of making it into university.  Sometimes, I wonder how some of us make it through the ordeal of high school.  My friend Brian says that no young adult should be subjected to the institution.  He recalls it as one of the most traumatizing experiences of his life.  In hindsight, I believe that high school could have been worse for me.  I saw how it was for others who had no escape.  At least I had theatre.

I think JT is sucking all of my creative juices out of my head.... argh.... What should I listen to instead…“there's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today”

I think I might leave this entry as it is…

11:31 am - Don't Know kinda day

No music…. But I have Tori Amos stuck in my head….

Maybe not sure, now you’re off… you’re gonna see America

Well let me tell you a little something about a learned America

Had officer transition for my sorority… trained the incoming Exec Council.  I am excited to see what they do. 

Was really tired today.  I went to the Odyssey with Tim, Bryan and Matt yesterday night.  Slightly dramatic.  Nat, Matt’s sister, had a bit of a temper tantrum and put all of us on edge.  Tim’s most recent ex, Keith, was there.  I will have to admit that Keith is the single most annoying person I have ever met.  I can safely say that I will never want to go clubbing with Keith and Natalie again… they are too obnoxious for words.  Coming from me this is quite the statement.  I too am obnoxious and I am more forgiving than most.

Saw Blair after a three week hiatus.  I am complete infuriated with him but I don’t really feel the inclination to tell him why.  I have stated that I am angry.  He understands that I am angry.  Don’t know if he is really going to do anything about it.  Don’t know if he really can if I don’t tell him why.  Don’t know why I don’t tell him why.  I sometimes think that it really doesn’t matter because he has bigger issues to deal with.  

I am going to Langley tomorrow to spend time with Ian.  I don’t really know why.  The last time I went I was disappointed.  I don’t know what I am really looking for when I visit him…  We have never really been anything but a couple.  Our friendship although strong is never consistent.  I really should start trying to like his girlfriends.  Don’t get me wrong.  It isn’t as if I don’t like Anna.  I do.  I think she is a wonderful person and I enjoy spending time with her, from what little time I have actually spent with her.  But there is something in me that just wants to dislike any of Ian’s given girls.  It is like it’s my duty as his ex.  I am sure that he doesn’t appreciate it but honestly, I don’t really mean it and I am pretty sure that he is aware of that.  I mean, out of all of Ian’s relationships I only really ever disliked one seriously.  I never talked to her, I made a point of avoiding her and was not subtle is the least bit about my dislike about her.  Mind you, I didn’t dislike her because she was dating Ian.  I disliked her because she would invite people over to her house to get high while her infant and 8 year old sons were upstairs sleeping.  I have taken people to the hospital from her house and I have taken her infant out of her house because of drugs.  I have no respect for her and never will.